Monday, February 22, 2016

Finding Myself

Ever since I graduated, I felt even more stressed out than when I was still in school. 


You see, the thing about school is that, no matter what you do, there's always a commitment there waiting for you. You could party all night round, but when your alarm goes off in the morning you have to drag yourself out of bed to go to school (or you could listen to lecture recording).


After graduation, I felt like a kite without a string. I felt lost and worst of all, I felt completely worthless.




I felt that I have nothing for me to hold on to. Friends started to move out of Melbourne to their respective countries for good, I don't have to go to school anymore, I don't have a romantic relationship to commit myself to anymore, I don't have any the urge to get out of the house to spend time with my friends nor embark on a graduation journey because I felt shameful for not having a job and still spending my mom's hard earn money at the brink of turning 22......


I have a telphobia.
I wanted to do my very best in everything. Not to avoid troubles but most importantly, to avoid guilt and regrets, typically in terms of relationships with people. However, I realised that life is like a bar of soap. When you try to have it under your control as hard as possible, things tend to backfire.


I am lost, I am shattered inside...yet I try to put on a look as if everything and everyone around me does not affect me at all. 


I put on a show to act as if I was completely OK after my breakup so that my mom does not have to worry about me though she is the person that I really wanted to confide in at that time. However, I did not. 


I stopped blogging about my real feelings on the blog because I was afraid that people would judge me. I had forgotten that the reason I started this blog is not to get fame or anything like that but to have a space where I could truly be myself and not be afraid to say anything. I just wanted a space for my memories and my thoughts - a space where I can always be the typical Fion in me - the space where people would bother to stop by and read IF they happen to like me through my stories or my photography; even if they don't and even if there's nobody on this planet reading my blog, I will still be happily blogging and treating this space like an electronic diary. However, I betrayed my determination to keep this blog as true as possible just because I had people constantly telling me that "you shouldn't write this", "please delete it", "please take it down", "please don't post this", "how am I suppose to feel when you mentioned me on your blog"...I had this quite a lot and I am sick of it. One thing I should clarify is that I never defamed anyone intentionally on my blog, I know the extent that I should go when penning my thoughts on my blog, yet some people just don't know that there is always freedom of speech and I even find someone using the things that I post online against me to criticize me. That's what hurts me the most, especially when it comes to people who actually know me in real life. When I don't blog truthfully, I feel that, there is no place in the world where I could EVER be the real me. 


When I was in a relationship, I didn't really give time to myself. Whenever I had a free time after I had finished my schoolwork, I either gave it to the guy I loved or my friends. I cut down the time I had for blogging and guitar just for them. For the special him, I was constantly thinking of what could I do for him, what meals to cook for him, even to the extent of heading to the men's department first whenever I went shopping alone just to see what's there for me to get for him in the upcoming festivals. Even when we had our arguments, I spent hourSSSSS online looking for relationship advice and reading blogs about how to handle relationships. For my friends, I tried to ask them out for catchups and spend time with them. I was very very very busy throughout that time and was under intense pressure yet I told myself it was all worth it as long as I kept the people I love happy. All because I didn't want to seem as if I am the type of person who will give up their friends just because I was attached. Unfortunately, I forgot how to love myself. 


Recently, I decided to take some time off for myself. Although during this period of time, life is not made up of marshmallows and unicorns, I feel that I am slowly getting myself back to life. 


Currently, I haven't really figured out what is going on in my life nor where am I heading to in life. At least, I want to start learning to not listen to all the chaotic voices around me that are telling me how I should live my life. 


I am sick of living under people's expectations. I am tired. There are too many people who are lacking in self-fulfillment who look for excuses for the hurtful things they had done to you and I want to explicitly announce that I am fucking disgusted by this. 


I want to strive for the things that I really want without having people to tell me whether or not I should want those things in the first place. 


I want to have a say in my life. 


I want to wear any outfits I like without having to fear how people would judge me. 


I want to be able to paint my nails and do my eye makeup without having to worry about how people would label me. 


I don't want to put on a happy face when I feel like I am about to cry on the inside. I want to be completely true to my own feelings. What's the point of living if you can't even face yourself?


At the end of the day...
I discovered one very important thing...
You can't love other people without loving yourself first.


Loving yourself and being selfish are 2 very different things yet they seem similar in some ways, I am still striving to figure out where the equilibrium point is and I guess there is still a bloody long way for me to go.


Nevertheless, I know that one day...just one day...I will get there.


Because, happiness is worth fighting for. 


The people who legitimately love you will appreciate the fact that you are finally being the real you and not hiding behind a mask and those people are keepers. If someone who claims to love you for the real you yet criticizes you when you are being truthful, that is just very crappy sugarcoating talk.


I want to be truly happy on my own. From now onwards...

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